I'll be honest, I hate shots. I feel they're always a) a waste of savoring great alcohol or b) a quick way to get swill into your system. Neither option is all that appealing, even for someone who likes to drink his face off.
Still, if shots are going to exist, then they need to be ranked.
What makes a great shot? What makes a bad shot? Here's our deep assessment of the 25 most common.
25. Cheap tequila
The worst mainly due to the silly ceremony surrounding it. No person looks cool wincing while biting into a dirty lime garnish after having just licked Kosher salt off his grimy forearm.
24. Birthday Cake
Is literally prepared with a cake mix. Which raises the point: why are you going to a bar that has a box of Betty Crocker's SuperMoist® in the speed well?
23. Any shot topped with whipped cream
Ordering your morning Frappuccino with an aerosol can squeeze of Reddi-Wip on top is bad enough. Making your bartender add a dollop to your "Blow Job" shot is even worse. Although…
22. Any shot with a sexualized name
Buttery Nipple, Redheaded Slut, Sex on the Beach. The only more humiliating food order in this world is having to tell your favorite Italian deli to give you their "Fuhgeddaboudit" hero.
21. Jell-O
And now The Cos has even made a long-time college staple feel unsavory!
20. Prairie Oyster
The world's only "breakfast" shot is meant to cure hangovers. But if you're drinking a concoction of brandy, Worcestershire sauce, Tabasco, and a raw egg at 9 a.m, you've got bigger problems in your life than a widdle headache.
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19. Any fruit juice shot
Don't make the poor bartender get out his Boston shaker just so you and your lame buddies can shoot a round of Lemon Drops to celebrate another Quidditch championship. A shot is an ounce-and-a-half of liquid—all of it should be booze.
18. Rumple Minze
Tastes like drinking a candy cane. That was considered a good thing in the late-'90s. For some reason.
17. Goldschläger
This was the shot "of the moment" when I was in college. I'm not even sure if the 'chläger is still being made. Probably because 95% of my generation died of gold-flake poisoning. We lost a lot of good men and women.
16. Ice luge shot
Like ice sculptures for people who think carved swan centerpieces are just missing a little something!
15. Jägermeister
I've come around on Jäger. As an ingredient. I have not come around on it as a shot. Still, it's perhaps the only shot so popular it necessitates it's own "shot machine" in your average bar.
14. Kamikaze
When I was a youth, it seemed that many bars advertised having discounted kamikaze shots on their drinks menu as an enticing lure. Of course, I grew up in Oklahoma City in the '80s so take that for what it's worth.
13. Mind Eraser
The only shot meant to be sucked down, or rather up through a straw in one fell swoop. I feel like I mainly see this Kahlúa/vodka shot when I'm at cheesy Florida bars. Why exactly do I need my mind erased when I'm in warm, sun-soaked Florida?
12. Creme de Menthe
It's like a bottle of Scope just sitting there on the bar's bottom shelf. A perfectly subtle way to freshen your stanky drunkard breath.
11. "Bombs"
At best, culturally offensive; at worst, dropped into a shaker pint of Diet Red Bull while a dude in a tank top fist pumps behind you. Still, kinda fun to pound though.
10. Any shot Tom Cruise mentions in his epic Cocktail monologue (to wit)
The Three-Toed Sloth, The Velvet Hammer, The Alabama Slammer. I've never had any of these, but that scene is awesome. As Tom says, "...if you wanna get loaded, why don't you just order a shot?"
9. A shot-ski
Vodka shots suck. But lifting a wooden ski with several shot glasses of vodka Super Glued to it? More impressive teamwork than the Showtime Lakers running the fastbreak.
8. Body shots
I believe only people who have been contestants on Real World/Road Rules Challenge actually do these on a typical night out. Still, slurping something out of some reality star's dirty belly button? That's... cool.
7. Fireball
Gets a bad rap, but that's a bit underserved in my opinion. Sure, this cheap, cinnamon-y, lower-proof faux-whiskey is a totally childish slug, but it's admittedly tasty. And the one shot everyone in a big group is usually able to handle. Bars love Fireball shots too for their high margins. Getting drunk and helping pay your favorite bar's electric bill? I call that a win-win situation.
6. Boilermaker
The only socially acceptable "Bomb." Though, perhaps only accepted at your local American Legion or that one dive bar that serves a free pot roast on Sundays.
5. Chartreuse
Way underrated. The gorgeous green liqueur almost glows in the dim bar lights and is far more alcoholic than you'd imagine. "Hey, is that dude French?" people will wonder. And with all that sugar, it's far easier to down than you'd think. Still... kinda pricy.
4. A flaming shot
Alcohol is cool. Fire is cool. Lighting alcohol on fire is waaaaay cool. These sizzlin' fajitas of the shot world will make every other bar patron turn their head in awe, as you casually extinguish your Flaming Dr. Pepper before pouring it down your gullet. (Bonus! You've most certainly just breached a local fire code or two.)
3. Fernet
I'm a pretentious drinks writer for an upscale men's magazine and, thus, contractually obligated to list this digestif high on the list. Great for ending the night.
2. Any shot a foreigner hands you
Ouzo, raki, pastis, something homemade and poured out of an old Pepsi bottle, it's doesn't matter. There's no more common international language than getting blotto together.
1. Whiskey
Doesn't matter if it's good or bad, if it's bourbon, rye, scotch, or from Tennessee, Ireland, or even Canada. Whiskey is the world's finest spirit and whether you drink it neat, on ice, in a cocktail, or with an abrupt back-tilt of your neck, it's still perfect. Now why don't you slowly savor your next round, fella?
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