Nikki Glaser is not shy about sex, as you learn very quickly on her new Comedy Central series Not Safe With Nikki Glaser (premiering Tuesday, February 9). The show, which combines panel discussions, field pieces and social experiments to talk frankly about sex, was inspired by the comedian's boyfriend. "When I was trying to come up with an idea for a show to take to Comedy Central, my boyfriend said, 'You're the biggest perv I've ever met, so maybe something about that?'" she says. "That was a very influential suggestion."
Glaser is still working out how much can be said (or shown) on the show, though. "We're figuring out the boundaries as we go along," she notes. "We have learned that it's okay to talk about penises and butts but not about penises going into butts. There's a big difference. I'm also figuring out my threshold for sharing as I go along. I'm sure I've already made some mistakes that I'll wish I could take back. But I'm allowing myself to make mistakes this first season."
In the spirit of her expertise, we asked Glaser, who also has an hour-long comedy special called "Perfect" coming in April, to give sex and relationship advice to fans as part of our Ask a Comedian series. She claims to be good at advice "because I have been in therapy for five years and I regurgitate the wisdom that my therapist has passed onto me," the sagacity of which you can judge for yourself below.
What are the top things guys need to know before giving (or receiving) anal for the first time?—David, Little Rock, AR
1. Your asshole will return to normal afterwards.
2.Jesus will still consider you a virgin.
3.If it hurts badly, stop doing it. If it hurts goodly, keep doing it.
4.Dark sheets are advised, but not mandatory.
5.If you play with fire, you're going to get some shit on you. Not every time. Maybe not for 100 times. But someday it will happen.
I've been seeing someone new, and I feel like my needs are not being met in bed. How do I tell him my orgasms matter too without making him feel inadequate? Or should I just cut my losses and leave?—Jenny, San Diego, CA
I had this problem once. And my friend told me to tell the guy, "I must have an orgasm every time we have sex. It's not up for discussion." The guy nodded along and said he understood. But he couldn't follow through. We didn't last through the week. But it felt good knowing that I had asked and demanded what I wanted. It's problematic to me that your dude doesn't seem to mind that you aren't having orgasms. He needs to have it pointed out. He might not know that it's a thing you are capable of. A lot of men come from relationships with women who don't demand orgasms (or even know how to have them). So change his perception.
I want to surprise my girlfriend with a new trick or position in bed for Valentine's Day. We're fairly adventurous but I think we could stand to spice it up more. What's something new and fun we could try?—Bernard, Sacramento, CA
Buy the Hitachi Magic Wand. They sell it at every sex store. It looks like a medical back massager. It's huge and amazingly powerful. While you having sex with her on her back and you're standing on the side of the bed, pull that thing out from under the bed (have it plugged into the wall already) and turn it on and place it on her clitoris. You can also blindfold her and turn it on while playing with her. It is the most thrilling shock in the world. Then once she gets used to it, hand it to her and have her use it on herself while you do what you do. It becomes a third party in your sex life. It's the best.
My boyfriend has started spooning my dog instead of me. Should I be worried?—Kendra, New York, NY
Yes. This is unacceptable. He's going to have some excuse about how dogs are man's best friend or whatever, but he has emotional development issues and it's weird.
How do you deal with a guy who won't go down on you?—Maisie, Nashville, TN
You stop going down on him. I'm serious. Stop blowing him. Now.
You've mentioned watching porn with a partner in your stand-up. What's a good place to start?—Jim, Las Vegas, NV
I like casting couch videos because they ease you into the awkwardness of watching porn by offering something for you and your girlfriend to judge and make fun of before it gets super hot. She can comment that she feels bad for the girls. You can laugh at how creepy that guy is. Then she can point out how the vein in his dick is thick and gross and looks like he's smuggling a candy cane beneath his skin. But eventually it gets kinda hot. Trust me.
What are girls looking for when it comes to a guy's Tinder profile? I need some sure-fire advice.—Benny, Chicago, IL
Smile in your picture. Look friendly. Hug a dog in a pic. No guns.
I'm a single girl and I want to have more sex (casual is fine). The trouble is that men on dating apps don't seem interested and I have a hard time meeting guys in real life. Do you have any tips for finding a partner without being totally desperate?—Kate, Los Angeles, CA
Craigslist? I feel like you might not have given Tinder a good enough try. From what I hear, that app is all about casual fuckin'. So maybe keep swiping? But if it proves fruitless, you need to put it out in the world that you're a sexual person. Do you promote that vibe? Do your friends know you're looking to hook up? Get the word out. Get set up. Make eye contact with cute strangers. Give guys your email. Email is safer than number, or at least it feels that way. Good luck!
I really dislike giving blowjobs because my gag reflex is very sensitive and it's really uncomfortable for me. It feels like a real struggle, but I don't want to be someone who refuses to please a guy in bed. Do you have any tips for dealing with that (that aren't just "do it anyway")?—Matilda, Portland, OR
I think porn has made men and women both think that women need to be puking and gagging for a blow job to be done right. Ask him to be patient and try to work within your limitations. Then just suck on the tip and use your hands for the rest. A lot of times this works better than just your mouth. Just make sure you use a ton of spit.
I have a low sex drive, but my boyfriend wants to fuck all the time. I think it's starting to become really grating on both of us that we're not matching up with what we want in bed (and when we want it). Is this fixable? How big of a deal is it for a couple to have the same sex needs?—Henry, Ann Arbor, MI
This must suck for both of you. I think you have to be honest with one another and really talk about it. I'm sure you both have acknowledged the problem, but you need to sit down and discuss it outside of the bedroom when you're both feeling calm and compassionate. I don't mean to jump too far ahead, but have you ever considered letting him safely sleep with other people? I have a friend who can't handle her boyfriend's sex drive, so she lets him have sex with other women who she knows and trusts. And maybe you don't need to know and trust the other person or people. Find what works for you, doll. But, regardless of what you decide to do, I don't think you should just have to bend over and take more sex that you don't enjoy just to make him happy. That's going to only lead to resentment. And he shouldn't have to just wait around for you to get in the mood. That's only going to lead to cheating. You have to work this out or it's not going to work out.
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