No matter where you go in this world, you will always find a Jew sitting in the beach chair next to you.
When you stand alone and sell yourself, you can't please everyone. But when you're different, you can last.
Famous people are deceptive. Deep down, they're just regular people. Like Larry King. We've been friends for forty years. He's one of the few guys I know who's really famous. One minute he's talking to the president on his cell phone, and then the next minute he's saying to me, Do you think we ought to give the waiter another dollar?
Sex is great, but when you get to be my age, you've got to pace it a little bit. Otherwise you get tired.
I don't have regrets. I've never sat here and thought, Gee, if only I'd done The Man Who Came to Dinner on Broadway, I would have been happier.
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You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude.
The thing I love about Vegas is that it's a melting pot. It's like working Ellis Island.
Once in a while, when I'm alone, I think about my age. I think, How many more years do I have on this earth? But I can't really conceive of dying. Somehow, in my head, I don't think I'll die. I know that everybody dies, of course. I just think that it'll never come to me. It's crazy, but there it is.
People think being in your seventies means sitting around in a chair with a blanket over your legs, drooling.
I can sit all day in a comfortable chair and watch ball games, but I don't need a blanket.
I've got an accountant who's been with me forty years. If he makes a mistake, he dies.
Showbiz is great if you're successful.
Struggling is hard because you never know what's at the end of the tunnel.
I don't feel an obligation to give everyone a hard time, but when they're important people, it's fun. I've met every president since Gerald Ford. When you go in the reception line and they announce your name, they all look at me the same way. They all go, Oh, nooooooo! You can see it in their eyes. They're like, Oh, Jesus, he's gonna say something! Here I am, this little Jew from the neighborhood, and the president of the United States is cowering. Now that's entertainment!
Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts.
Political correctness? In my humor, I never talk about politics. I was never much into all that.
I don't care if the average guy on the street really knows what I'm like, as long as he knows I'm not really a mean, vicious guy. My friends and family know what I'm really like. That's what's important.
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Hollywood has changed. It's not glamorous like the old days. Last time my wife and I went down there to go to the movies, we got car-jacked by a guy with a .357 Magnum.
I've never walked off stage and said, "I shouldn't have done that." Because when you do what I do, you're like a fighter. You throw the right hand and say, "That's what got me to this dance." You can't have doubt. If you have doubt, there's no show.
It's tough having the last name Rickles. Luckily, my kids handled it great.
I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the game.
Room service is great if you want to pay $500 for a club sandwich.
One time I did Carson and I made a joke about a black guy in the audience, and Carson stopped me and said, "Show me a black guy." The camera panned the audience, and there was no black guy. And I said to Johnny, "Did they laugh?" The answer was yes. And that's all that matters.
I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is.
The old days were the old days. And they were great days. But now is now.
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