I have a long history with Four Loko. Well, not that long. I have a history with Four Loko. Most of it centered around the winter of 2010, after a pretty rough breakup, when I discovered that the original "recipe" would soon be taken off shelves because it was considered by the FDA to be a danger to human life. Obviously, I had to check it out.
Four Loko never tasted good. Presumably, it was never supposed to taste good. Like Sparks and other equally awful options that came before it, Four Loko took everything you hated about malt liquor and energy drinks and combined it into one massive can of regret. It only seems natural, then, that its newest flavor would be the worst yet: Hemp.
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Yes, hemp! Like everybody else jumping on the CBD, THC, and legal weed bandwagon, the team at Four Loko decided what people really wanted was the smell of hippie hair and head shops packed into a 23.5 oz. can with 12 percent ABV. Shockingly enough, they nailed it. Based on reviews from the Esquire staff, the taste lands somewhere between smelling a gym locker room and drinking bong water out of an ashtray.
Though Four Loko's commitment to distilling the flavor of a soaking wet Baja sweater into an alcoholic drink for college students almost seems worthy of applause, I'm mostly just confused. Who wants this? Who buys this? Perhaps best (or worst) of all, the beverage itself contains no hint of CBD or THC whatsoever. So if you're the type that likes to drink yourself blind on swill and loves the stink of mid-level weed but not the effect, there's finally a drink for you. For everyone else, well, avoid it.
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