Hours before the premiere of this week's Kevin Can Wait, titled "The Smoking Bun," I received an anonymous email from someone who calls himself "Kevincanwait69" (nice):
For some reason I spent time working on a bonkers Kevin Can Wait spec script, almost entirely inspired by your columns on the demonic and twisted sitcom that still graces our airwaves to this day. I tried to take a different spin on the Kevin James cinematic universe. Instead of Kevin taking on different personas and changing identities over the years, I rather see him as one, evil copy who has successfully slayed all other Kevin James characters that exist in the same universe. This already sounds insane but I didn't know who else to send this thing to. I don't expect you to read it, but there is #JusticeForDonna. But either way here it is! Enjoy.Below this message was a link to a Google Doc.
As a responsible Internet user, I identified this immediately as a possible phishing scam. Sure, this would have been an oddly specific phishing scam, but still I had to be careful. My investigation into Donna's disappearance has gotten some attention. Who knows if there are people out to get me.
Naturally, I clicked the link.
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This brought me to a 56-page script, as outlined above. Now, this isn't just some crazy person in a basement writing fan fiction based on my investigation. It's someone who at least knows how to format and write a script. Here's the set-up:
Kevincanwait69
Now, certainly this script is darker, and much more fucked-up than the rest of the King of Queens Cinematic Universe, but there was something about it that caught my eye. This exchange from pages 6-7:
Kevincanwait69
This joke could have been taken directly from any episode of Kevin Can Wait. Whoever wrote this not only has an intimate knowledge of the show, but an understanding of the humor and writing. It's a script that includes constant and unnecessary references to Kevin's weight, along with a wing eating contest in Enzo's.
Kevincanwait69
Who could be writing this? My guess is this was sent by an actual writer on Kevin Can Wait—someone who's been inspired to really explore the potential of this dark, subversive sitcom. And this spec script even echoed last night's episode, which involved Kevin and King of Queens star Leah Remini trying to save Enzo's from being shut down. It begins, as most things do on Kevin Can Weight (get it?), with a fat joke. Kevin and his friends are trying to figure out how to save Enzo's, when King of Queens star Leah Remini chimes in:
"Find another pizza place to get fat in."
Then later, the shitty business owner Alviti (who bought Enzo's) randomly dunks on Kevin during a meeting. "I can't tell you how much you annoy me with your demands and how you sit and how the sweat rolls down your brow into your fat neck," he says.
But the most bizarre moment of this episode came during a city council meeting when Kevin and King of Queens star Leah Remini attempt to make the case to turn Enzo's into a historic landmark. Kevin suddenly goes off script, talking about how some of the best days of his life were at Enzo's—but "also some of the worst. One of the darkest days of my life," he says, getting choked up. The camera pans to Daughter who looks devastated, knowing the memory Kevin is about to reveal to the city council. "I'm going to be honest, I didn't know if I was going to pull through or not," Kevin continues, the studio audience ready to finally hear about the day Donna Gable, beloved family matriarch, mysteriously died... "It was the 2000 World Series where the Yanks beat the Mets."
Goddammit, Kevin Can Wait.
While once again Kevin Can Wait actually dodged the answer to Donna's mysterious death with a joke, there are some important clues here. Daughter's look just before the punchline is proof that Donna's death had something to do with Enzo's. Either she died there—choked on a chicken wing, a mysterious grease fire?—or Kevin was there when he got the news of her death. Another possibility is this shitty business owner, Alviti. He bribes the city council to deny Kevin's request to make Enzo's an historic landmark so he can level the place. Did he or his crooked business empire have something to do with Donna's death? Is that why he was so eager to destroy Enzo's, which may include some key evidence?
Again, Kevin Can Wait is getting close, but we don't have any answers yet.
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